It is 5:50am and I am reflecting on life and what it has to offer. Lately my life has been up and down. Mostly down. I have been dealing with so much with having both Sarcoidosis and Parkinson’s.
I have been fighting for my life. I don’t say that often. Why because I don’t like to put any light on me. I am fighting just like many others in this world.
Well the last couple of days have been so tough for me. I am use to dealing with tough days , but it has been tough both physically and mentally.
I have been having feelings of why am I still here? I know that being sick does this to you but somedays the feelings are stronger than other days.
So lately I have been fighting harder and harder. I even wonder why I fight as much as I do. Thoughts go through your head, ” Would everyone just be better off if I gave up?” ” Would I be better if I didn’t have to fight anymore?”
Is it a good thing to think these things? No, but I am human. Sometimes I feel some people forget that. I feel I forget that.
I don’t let myself be a human. Just be a person in pain, be a person who is sick. I always feel like I have to be strong for everyone else but why shouldn’t I let someone be strong for me?
It is just the way I have always been.
So here is what I feel. I am in extreme pain! I hurt so bad that I just want to cry. Everyday lately! I don’t cry because I have to be strong for my family. I know that sounds bad, but I have to try to stay strong. I feel if I break up then my family will. It is not my family’s fault. It is just who I am. Sometimes to a fault.
So today I woke up in extreme pain. So much pain it feels like my head is going to explode. I should be use to this, but I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worse enemy.
I don’t feel like my family, not my close family, but my extended family and my friends, truly understands what I go through just to make it through the day. I am sure some people will say I am making something bigger than what they think it is. All I can say to you is ” Live ONE day in my shoes!” Just one day! Let me know how you feel after that one day. I am not trying to brag, I am telling you the truth. Almost everyday I am just blowing off my health and my mental state. According to everyone I am strong! I am a “hero.” Really?? I don’t think I am. I am just one person who is trying to survive.
I also get people saying to me ” If you are so sick, why are you going out? Why are you doing so much?” My answer is this ” Really?? I mean who are you to tell me how to live my life?? Wouldn’t you want to make memories? Wouldn’t you want to live your life with your family? I have an amazing wife and daughter. I want to be able to have my family to say he lived his life to the fullest.”
Just realize one thing! I am not living to make you happy. I am living my life for my wife and for my daughter. If you don’t like it… Oh well! Let me know the handbook of living with a terminal disease. I would love to see it!
So I know this much. I am going to do things my way. I am going to be me! I am going to be selfish at times. I am also not going to care what others think about how I live. It is my life! Not yours!
I know this is an angry post but if you know me at all you know I am me! I am not here to sugarcoat things for you! I am here for my family and more importantly ME! If you don’t like it! There is the door!!!
Yes it is harsh, but I don’t have time for negativity in my life!